


To You

by byemyfirstandlast



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, M/M, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Pining, i cant tag omg, jeno is stressed, part angst part fluff, predebut, pure frustration, the fluff is sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24057370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byemyfirstandlast/pseuds/byemyfirstandlast
Summary: Some things never change, Jaemin muses. The two of them, sitting alone in the practice room, tired and panting but still going. Jeno has flopped down onto the floor, one arm over his eyes as he tries to calm himself down. The rise and fall of his chest follow a known rhythm, like the many times they have found themselves too exhausted to carry on.It comforts Jaemin a little, knowing that no matter where they go or how long Father Time has spared for them, Jeno will always be by his side, steadfast and unchanging.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 90





	To You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing and tearing my hair out over it. It's my first time writing a fic this long so I'm happy about it! 
> 
> Special thanks to my sis who beta'd this against her will lol and also I spent 15 mins deleting all the double spaces since I'm a fool
> 
> immersion-breaking disclaimer: everyone except haechan is referred to by their stage name
> 
> [my tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jenocentric)

_ When you think about another person more than you think about yourself, it is love. _

Some things never change, Jaemin muses. The two of them, sitting alone in the practice room, tired and panting but still going. Jeno has flopped down onto the floor, one arm over his eyes as he tries to calm himself down. The rise and fall of his chest follow a known rhythm, like the many times they have found themselves too exhausted to carry on. It comforts Jaemin a little, knowing that no matter where they go or how long Father Time has spared for them, Jeno will always be by his side, steadfast and unchanging. 

It’s 2 in the morning. Jaemin knows this because Jeno isn’t getting up from the floor. He’s too drained of energy to continue practising, and his breathing has finally evened out to a slow placid pace. Jeno still hasn’t spoken since they stepped into the room over 3 hours ago, but Jaemin knows. He knows that Jeno isn’t ready yet, and he needs the time to himself. That’s fine. 

When you pursue work in this field, you need to be prepared to make sacrifices. Your sleep, your time, your energy, and sometimes even your loved ones. Jaemin knows. Jaemin knows it all too well. It’s easy to realise that when he glances at Jeno in his sleep, when he watches Jeno practise hard till the wee hours of the morning, and when he catches Jeno lying with his back to the ground like this, arm over eyes. It’s exhausting, he knows. But this is what all expectant trainees go in knowing, that they have to make sacrifices if they want a shot at a debut. 

Jeno starts to stir from his position, stretching his limbs as his yawns. The sweat accumulated from the hours of practice has stuck his hair to his forehead, even as he tries to remove it futilely in disgust. Jaemin throws him a bottle, which he doesn’t catch, but lands perfectly next to him anyway.

Looking up with tired eyes, Jeno seems to contemplate for a moment, before he mumbles a quiet “thank you”.

Some days, Jaemin just wants to give him the world. It’s not possible, he  _ knows _ , so he prays hard that they get to debut together, instead.

Grabbing the last of their stuff, Jaemin pushes a sleepy Jeno out of the room before switching off the lights and locking the door.

  
  


It’s a cold night. The streets are quiet, except for the occasional drunks that end up stumbling onto the main road singing songs from the 80s, face all blotchy and red. It reminds Jaemin of the time Jeno received a bottle of soju as a joke gift on his birthday, face all red and flushed as he tried to hide it before his mother found out. It was fun to tease him and laugh along, when all their cares in the world were confined in this little box of their parents’ expectations. No fans, no trainers, no fear of a future so uncertain.

Jaemin sighs. He doesn’t like to think about this too much, but it’s hard not to give a damn when he sees Jeno practising every single day like his life depended on it.

It isn’t too far from the truth. The individual evaluations are coming up soon, and they both know how important it is.

But now, Jaemin just wants to cherish Jeno by his side. Through their dark days and sleepless nights, he wants to be there to take care of Jeno the way Jeno looks out for him too. Under the cover of the night, his hand seeks out Jeno’s. 

“It’s cold” is Jaemin’s excuse.

***

Sunday morning finds Jaemin lazing by the window of Jeno’s bed. The room is small and cramped, with Jeno’s bed being even smaller, but they both fit comfortably enough into the tight space. Jeno’s legs drape over his own, and his head lies on his shoulder as he stares intently at his phone, monitoring his dance practice from the previous night.

Jeno’s been really quiet these few days leading up to the evaluations. His mouth may not move as much, but his eyes tell a different story. Jeno’s brows furrow as he watches his mirror dance to the beat of the music. His moves are clean enough, but Jaemin can tell Jeno still isn’t satisfied by the way he exhales through his nose harshly.

Moving his hand to ruffle Jeno’s hair slightly, Jaemin massages it slowly till he sees Jeno’s scrunched up brows start to relax, moving his head close enough for him to practically claim Jaemin’s chest. If Jaemin was bold enough, he might have pulled Jeno into his arms for a hug, but Jaemin isn’t that bold. 

Jaemin is about to say something when the door opens and Donghyuck barges in, his loud voice breaking the nice atmosphere of the room. 

“Get up bitches! We’re going out!”

  
  


Doyoung-hyung greets them at the door, looking excited despite it not being their first time out. But Jaemin thinks rather than getting excited about going to the Han River, Doyoung’s more interested in finally seeing Jeno after so long. 

“Oh, my baby, Jeno! Come here.” Doyoung pulls Jeno into a bone-crushing hug, causing Jeno to wince a little. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, but Jaemin suspects this hug may mean more for Jeno than Doyoung, despite him being so fond of the younger. 

Donghyuck wastes no time keeling over in practised disgust, tongue sticking out as he whines. “God, PDA so early in the morning!”

Jeno whines right back, “Ya, you’re the one that does it the most!”

Donghyuck grins, and Jaemin mirrors it too.

“That’s what I want to hear.”

  
  


The four of them take the bus to the river. Though it’s a weekend, there’s surprisingly not as many people as Jaemin expected. As soon as they touch ground, Donghyuck makes a beeline for the sausage stand, demanding that Doyoung should buy it for them since he’s the  _ hyung _ . Jaemin agrees wholeheartedly. While Donghyuck and Jaemin plead for the mouthwatering once-in-a-trainee’s-lifetime opportunity for fatty food, Jeno just stands at the side and smiles. Though Jaemin tries to rope Jeno in to whine with them, he just shakes his head and laughs, eyes crinkling but never quite reaching. Eventually, Doyoung caves under the pressure of their  _ cute dongsaengs’  _ pleadings, as Donghyuck puts it, and is pushed into the line.

While Donghyuck chats Doyoung’s ears off, Jaemin walks over to where Jeno stood waiting. 

“Not hungry?”

Jeno shakes his head, still smiling. “Not hungry.”

Jeno’s not telling the full story, but Jaemin doesn’t need to know the rest to understand what he means. 

Jaemin looks up at the sky. It’s another bright, sunny day. “Okay, but don’t expect me to give you a single bite later. Even if you do aegyo.”

  
  
  


After playing and tussling around in the grass, the three young ones are tired at last. Doyoung looks relieved to finally be able to take a breather, but Donghyuck doesn’t let him live it down. 

“This hyung is really old now, he can’t even keep up with us. Right, Jaemin?” 

Jaemin lies down next to Donghyuck and pushes him aside. He rolls sideways for a while. “Right, right, and our Donghyuckie is old enough to take care of himself, right?”

They all laugh at Jaemin’s retort as Donghyuck fake-struggles his way back to their spot by the river. He shakes his fist threateningly but they both know he’s just playing. 

Amidst the chaos, under the bright sun over the Han River, Jaemin hears Jeno’s quiet words.

“Thanks for bringing us out today, hyung.”

Doyoung’s eyes go soft with affection before he tackles Jeno in a hug. “And that’s why you’re my favourite, Jeno-ah!”

“Group hug!” Donghyuck yells as he jumps on top of them, lips in a pucker as he tries to kiss them both. He throws Jaemin a glance before yelling at him too. “Get in here Na Jaemin!”

And so, the four of them end up in one squashed pile of hugs and a common agenda to push Donghyuck away before he lands a kiss on either one of them. Jaemin laughs like there’s no tomorrow as Jeno squirms and pushes his way out of their grasp, hair all tousled like he’s been through a hurricane. It isn’t too far from the truth, Jaemin muses. Donghyuck would pride himself as one, if he ever catches wind of it.

  
  


As the bright glaring reflection of the river water dims to a mild orange hue, Jaemin finds himself staring at Jeno. The amber colours soften his features, truly turning Jeno back into a young child again. They aren’t old themselves, not unless you consider 16 old, but this Jeno is reminiscent of the young Jeno back when they first met. When the skies of bright, busy Seoul were as blue as it could be, Jeno smiled till his eyes were hidden behind crescents as he let Jaemin drag him around for a tour of the best hiding spots outside their dorms. 

_ “Of course it’s for hiding from the teachers when they’re mad!” Jaemin laughed. _

_ Jeno looked so confused but smiled giddily anyway. It’s obvious he’d never skipped a day of class in his life.  _

_ “Got it!” _

  
  


Now, basking under the warm golden glow, Jaemin thinks they look the same. Before time pushed them to where they are today, that is. Jeno, Donghyuckie, even Doyoung-hyung. It’s like this childlike innocence has never left them, and Jaemin prays that it never will. 

***

In literature, this is foreshadowing.

Not that Jaemin would know, really, since he utterly sucks at literature, but he recalls Jeno saying something like that once. 

The prayer Jaemin made that day by the Han River doesn’t save him now. The practice room is filled to the brim with trainees and the teachers, all gathered around today to evaluate the progress they’ve made in a month. It’s tiresome, having to force improvements every month, but Jaemin works at it hard enough to get by. He understands the importance of showcasing their progress. If a trainee isn’t able to show that they’re able to keep up, which company would want to waste their time and resources into training them?

But right now, things are a little different. 

There are those who barely practise for a few months and get in, while there are those who train for over a decade and never do. It’s tough luck, but Jaemin is optimistic in his outlook. Maybe even a little too optimistic, as Jeno would say sometimes. 

Focus, Na Jaemin. Following what Jeno taught him before, he slows his breathing down and clears his mind.

Each trainee is assigned a number each and as per usual, all trainees move out of the room once they’re given one. It would be nice to stay and watch the evaluations, but there’s only so much space in one room. Though evaluations are carried out in 3 sessions throughout the day, Jaemin thanks his lucky stars that he has Jeno in his group. This way, he can watch after Jeno in case anything happens. 

Not that he thinks there will be, but Jaemin digresses. 

“It’s gonna go fine.”

Jeno doesn’t look up from his phone. Whether he has heard Jaemin or not, he doesn’t show any indication of it. His eyes are focused on the screen, staring intently at the movements of the dance, body unconsciously mirroring his double. Jaemin doesn’t think it’s healthy, being obsessed with chasing perfection. Jeno’s doing well enough, often one of the bright spots of the team if Jaemin must admit. 

But all the same, Jaemin still suspects there’s a deeper reason for his perfectionism. 

It doesn’t take an Einstein to figure it out. Jeno has always been in the spotlight for as long as Jaemin can recall. From his start as a childhood CF star, to where he is now as an idol trainee in a well-established company, it’s safe to say Jeno has never truly left the spotlight at all. There’s a different kind of expectation weighing there, though Jaemin can’t say he understands it well.

As the number of trainees ahead of them dwindles, Jaemin starts to feel nervous. He’s done this countless times by now, but the evaluations never cease to stir this feeling inside of him. He watches the other trainees, and they all seem as nervous as he is. Taking a deep breath, he tries to centre himself. Jeno is up a few guys after him, so Jaemin isn’t getting worried  _ yet _ , but he watches out for Jeno nonetheless. 

The evaluators, all of them their teachers, now don the face of a critic, observing each trainee with intent. Jaemin sees their eyes narrow when they disapprove, or a smile break out when they get caught off guard. Jaemin doesn’t really care, he just wants to get it done and over with so he can watch Jeno instead. His erratic heartbeat betrays him, however.

This time around, they’re required to show a dance. Jaemin has been practising harder for the past few days so he believes he’ll do fine, though it takes a while for the caffeine he ingested this morning to shock his system awake enough to do it well and alert. 

The song he prepared is a trap beat that’s been trending lately. Jaemin has honestly expected more people to perform with it but so far, Jaemin thinks he’s only the second person to use the song. He looks back at Jeno, who is still silently monitoring his dance. 

“Number 32, please come in.”

Jaemin wants to get some sort of wave or a fist bump before he goes in, but he knows Jeno’s locked in his own world. So he shouts instead, over the constant chatter amongst the other trainees. 

“Lee Jeno, you better wish me luck!”

Jeno is startled but at least it gets the job done. His eyes crinkle and his forehead relaxes, as he puts his phone away. Jeno’s dark hair is long enough that it falls into his eyes when he looks up, but Jaemin thinks it’s charming on him.

“Good luck!” Jeno shouts back, despite only being 3 persons away from Jaemin. 

“Don’t need it, haha!” 

Jeno scowls but there’s no real anger behind it.

  
  


The evaluation went well enough, Jaemin thinks. Jaemin didn’t mess up his dance, didn’t make a mistake. His execution may not have been flawless but the evaluators were impressed nonetheless. Even Mr Seo, who the trainees like to refer to as ‘The Unruly Bear of the North Wing’ for his wild and uncontained manner of dancing, applauded his efforts. Though the evaluators were not allowed to let their bias cloud their judgement, they were, and some still are, his current teachers. Jaemin believes they know how much he’s improved since his last evaluation. He’s a little optimistic.

Chugging down the last of his water, Jaemin trains his eyes on Jeno. The sweat from the dance before is starting to stick onto his skin, making him feel all icky, but it’s a discomfort Jaemin is willing to tolerate for Jeno’s sake. The trainees before him have already fled the area long ago, without a single soul in sight on the opposite side of the room, but there’s no rule saying he can’t stick around. 

Jeno is up soon. Jaemin can tell he’s nervous from the way he keeps rolling up his sleeves, unable to stop himself from pacing around as he moves his body to the beat. His earphones are getting tangled from all the movement, but Jaemin doesn’t think Jeno even notices. 

The last trainee before Jeno is finally finished, and Mr Seo is smiling widely too. He hopes Jeno will impress them as well.

“Number 36, please come in.”

Jeno won’t be able to hear him from the opposite side of the room, but Jaemin shouts out his encouragement anyway. 

“Good luck, Jeno!”

Jeno rolls his sleeves up one last time before introducing himself to the evaluators. They smile warmly at him, unlike the cold, undiscerning look they’ve thrown at Jaemin before he began. Jaemin understands that the whole “we don’t care about you” attitude is supposed to show that the evaluators aren’t biased, but of course, who wouldn’t smile at Jeno? Park Jisung’s words start echoing in his mind, something about how if he had Jeno’s face, he’d have the whole world. Shaking his smile away, Jaemin trains his attention back on Jeno.

The familiar beat to Jeno's chosen song starts thumping away and Jeno assumes his position. Though his moves are clean enough, they seemed… off. Jaemin furrows his brows in contemplation. Jeno seems too tense. He’s hitting the beats right on time, but his body wasn’t following the music. Jaemin doesn’t consider himself the best dancer, but even he could tell something wasn’t right. When Jeno finishes, the evaluators are looking between themselves. Mr Seo doesn’t look pleased, prompting the other evaluators to say something in his place. Jaemin struggles to hear them through the thick soundproof walls, but it’s too quick and quiet to catch. 

Jeno bows respectfully, but dashes off the moment he’s free. He doesn’t even say a word to Jaemin, keeping his head down as he walks away in quick, long strides. 

Fuck. Was it really that bad? 

Jaemin picks his bottle up and chases after Jeno.

  
  
  


Night falls, and the hyungs are in a celebratory mood. The individual evaluations have finally concluded and everyone’s feeling buzzed on the relief of another passed evaluation. Of course, the results won’t be out till the next week, but what’s passed is passed, good or bad. Jaemin is being pushed around the cramped dorm space as the hyungs start chattering about where the best  _ Gopchang _ restaurant is. The exciting vibe is hard to resist, but Jaemin can’t help but think about Jeno. 

As soon as they had reached their dorm, Jeno had rushed straight into their shared room. Though it wouldn’t be a crime to walk into his own room, Jaemin had chosen to seat himself in the common room instead. It didn’t feel right to infringe on Jeno’s privacy. It took Jeno more than an hour to finally come out, but only to take a shower. During the entire time, Jeno didn’t even make eye contact with him, nor to Donghyuck, or even everyone’s beloved Mark-hyung. 

Astute as ever, Donghyuck picked it up right away. 

“What happened?” He asked, jutting one thumb in Jeno’s general direction. 

Jaemin could only shake his head. Though he could probably make out what had happened back in the evaluation room, Jaemin didn’t feel like it was his place to share. 

Donghyuck opened his mouth again, but Mark held him back and shook his head too.

Jeno would talk about it when he’s ready. Jaemin doesn’t want to be the one to push him yet.

Right now, the hyungs are still undecided about the restaurant they’re going to. Jaehyun and Johnny have been arguing for the past 15 minutes already, with Taeyong trying to break it up but to no avail. Although Jaemin isn’t really in the mood for celebrating, Jaehyun-hyung had insisted on having him come along. Something about wanting to hear what went down with The Unruly Bear of the North Wing. Donghyuck must have blabbered about some exaggerated version of the story to him. Typical Donghyuck behaviour, Jaemin sighs. 

Jaemin glances around the small, tight space of Doyoung’s dorm. The hyungs are bustling about, sharing stories from the evaluation, none of them being able to keep quiet for even a single minute. Unsurprisingly, Jeno is nowhere in sight. Doyoung would have pestered him to come along but Jaemin guesses that Jeno must have evaded him as well. Thinking about it, Jeno hasn’t left the room ever since coming back from the shower. Jaemin wants to further ponder the reason for his behaviour, but is immediately pushed to stand up after cheers erupted when the hyungs have finally agreed on a place. 

He glances down at his phone, hoping the screen lights up with the familiar “Acorn” contact, but it doesn’t, no matter how much he wills it to. Maybe Jeno’s asleep.

“Jaemin-ah, come quick or we’re leaving without you!”

“Coming!”

  
  


The hyungs take their time with their meal, stopping every few seconds to laugh at a story that was being shared. All of them seemed relieved that the individual evaluations have finally passed, and Jaemin can’t help but feel the same. The only problem is the incessant worry that keeps plaguing him at the back of his mind. Though it was supposed to be a night of celebration, much like those days Jeno and him went out to play in the arcades after a big examination, Jaemin didn’t really feel like celebrating. It didn’t feel right. 

As the night progresses, and the hyungs start loosening up in the relaxed, open ambience of the restaurant, Taeyong stands up and starts to unfold a piece of paper he’d brought with him from the dorms. The others start cheering and teasing him, with Donghyuck being the loudest. 

“ _ Oh my god. _ He prepared a speech!”

The table erupts in a cacophony of ‘ooohs’ and ‘ahhhs’. Taeyong hides his smile being the paper, seemingly embarrassed but that’s part of an unofficial leader’s job scope, to be able to put up with unruly dongsaengs.

He clears his throat, and the table erupts in cheers again.

“I know we’ve been at this for a few years already, training tirelessly day and night, sacrificing our time and loved ones, but just hang on for a while more. Our efforts won’t go to waste, I promise you guys that. Each and every one of you here is worth the time and effort you have put into this.” 

The unspoken words ring through Jaemin’s head.  _ Those who aren’t here, aren’t worth it. _

Jaemin’s fists clench unconsciously. He knows that isn’t what Taeyong means, but he can’t help feeling this indignance and anger. It bleeds through his heart like fire, not at Taeyong, but for Jeno, who overworked himself in his pursuit for perfection.

Taeyong folds the paper and glances at each of the members. Maybe Jaemin is overthinking it, but it seems like Taeyong holds eye contact with him for a while longer than the rest. “No matter what happens, whether it’s a high or a low, we go through it together, as a team. I know you guys like to joke around, but you can always talk to me if you need an ear.”

The whole table is quiet for a while, prompting Taeyong to sit back down, looking abashed. Then it’s all over again. The hyungs cheer loudly and start chanting Taeyong’s name, to which he lowers his head in chagrin as he tries desperately to stop them from making too much noise. 

Taeyong would make a good leader, Jaemin is sure. But his mind only has thoughts of Jeno.

The atmosphere of the restaurant seems to be heating up, with the loud clanking of glasses and even louder sound of laughter from the hyungs. Johnny is leading the cheers, raising his glass of apple juice in a toast as he clears his throat. 

“To our young and youthful days, may we debut soon!”

Everyone follows suit, raising their glasses of cokes, sprites and a whole other assortment of obscure sodas. Jaemin raises his as well, biting back a bitter smile. It seems almost ironic, he thinks. 

“To our young and youthful days, may we debut soon!” 

***

The night sky has darkened significantly by the time they finished eating. The hyungs are drunk off the atmosphere, insisting on going for karaoke despite the possibility of getting an earful from the company when they get back. Donghyuck whines about wanting to follow them but they wave him off, saying he’s still too young to stay out this late. For the record, Jisung couldn’t even leave the dorm.

Distantly, Jaemin hears Donghyuck starts complaining about the unfairness, impervious to the hyung’s strict but rational insistence, but it’s futile and only serves as an opportunity for Jaemin to breathe a quick sigh of relief. He can check up on Jeno at last. Eyes straying down to his phone, a tiny hope blossoms that Jeno would reply. But still, nothing.

“Hey, don’t worry. He’ll be fine.” 

Mark’s voice is barely above a whisper, but it feels like everyone can hear him. Jaemin scratches his neck. 

“Yeah,” Jaemin mutters. Mark smiles at that, and Jaemin feels like a bit of his worry has been lifted off his chest. Mark has a way of doing that, making people feel at ease through his presence alone. Jaemin gives his thanks to the heavens. 

  
  


After parting ways with the hyungs, Jaemin makes his way to the dorms. Mark and Donghyuck trail after him, talking in hushed whispers but not making an effort to hide it anyway. A little birdie tells him that they’re discussing the reasons for Jeno’s lack of enthusiasm lately, but the whole thing is quickly clamped down by Donghyuck, who insists.

“Mark-hyung, I think you’re thinking about this too much.” Mark raises an eyebrow but lets Donghyuck continue on. “I mean, you all know what Jeno is like. He’d rather stay at home than go out to eat. He’s such a homebody.”

Jaemin admits that Donghyuck makes some valid points for his case, but knowing first-hand what happened in the evaluation room makes Jaemin question if it’s really just that. 

“You’ve been really quiet, Jaemin. What do you think? Did something happen during the evaluations?”

It’s not quite his place to say it, and he doesn’t know if Jeno would appreciate this side of him making the rounds amongst the other trainees. Donghyuck doesn’t have his reputation as the biggest gossip for nothing. 

Jaemin is conflicted, the feelings inside him pulling and stretching him apart, making him feel like a child’s messy handiwork. Though he has an inkling of why Jeno has been so quiet lately, he isn’t completely sure either. 

One the one hand, Jeno needs his space and time, but on the other, Jaemin fears Jeno might succumb to his exhaustion before he resolves his own issue. 

Letting go of the breath he didn’t even know he was holding, Jaemin realises he is starting to stress himself out. Both Mark and Donghyuck stare at him in anticipation, although for what, they probably aren’t sure either. 

“I don’t know.”

Donghyuck makes a face. “Okay, keep your secrets. Fine.”

“It’s not like that. I… really don’t know.” Jaemin runs a hand through his hair and sighs. 

Mark pats Jaemin’s shoulder comfortingly. Donghyuck scowls at that, childish as ever, prompting Mark to do the same for him too. 

“Jeno will tell us when he’s ready. Don’t worry too much.”

***

_ Home is where love resides, memories are created, friends are always welcomed, and laughter never ends. _

When they reach home, Jeno is lying on the couch outside. He’s lying down with his phone over his head, either watching a video or playing a game. He seems… fine. Donghyuck smacks Mark on his shoulder, shouting that he was right all along.

“See! He’s  _ fine _ .”

Mark winces and rubs the spot where Donghyuck hit, but doesn’t admonish him for it. Instead, Jaemin sees his eyes flickering towards Jeno, who still doesn’t stir from his position. Mark furrows his eyebrows, seemingly confused. He looks like he wants to say something, but is quickly dragged away by a whining Donghyuck, who complains about Mark playing favourites. 

Jaemin chuckles, only to realise it’s just the two of them left. 

He takes a seat next to Jeno, but the atmosphere is a little awkward, because Jaemin knows what happened to Jeno, and because Jeno knows that Jaemin knows. Jaemin scratches his head in irritation. God, just what is he supposed to do? Comfort Jeno? Pretend nothing happened? They’re close enough to share secrets but not close enough to acknowledge each other’s pains?

Jaemin thinks hard about it, but the silence is broken by Jeno’s laughter. 

“You’re thinking so hard that I can see the gears in your head turning like clockwork,” Jeno teases. The first thing Jeno says the whole day after the episode and it’s to tease him. Jeno’s smiling, Jaemin can see, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“Hey! Are you saying I don’t use my head often or something?” Jaemin pouts in mock petulance. 

Jeno’s laughter comes out more like a titter, but his smile finally reaches his eyes, if only for just a moment. His glasses start slipping down, so Jaemin reaches over to push it up. Jeno doesn’t resist. His eyes are cast downwards, eyelashes resting against his cheeks softly. Jaemin feels a familiar thump, but represses it deep, deep down. When Jeno opens his eyes again, Jaemin is sure he has a dweeby smile on his own face, so he schools it into something tamer, so as to not scare Jeno away.

But natural urges are hard to resist.

Jaemin finds himself reaching for Jeno’s hand, enveloping it with his own warmth. Jeno doesn’t bat an eyelash, but Jaemin sees the corners of his mouth quirk up. 

“I’m not a kid, you know.”

“I know.”

Jeno looks at Jaemin in the eye. His words are slow and deliberate. “I don’t need someone to take care of me.”

Jaemin hums in response, though he doesn’t confirm Jeno’s words. The truth is that Jaemin knows Jeno is capable enough to help himself. But sometimes, Jeno needs to learn to rely on others for help too. 

Like now.

It isn’t so much a fact as it is a feeling, but Jaemin senses that Jeno’s not totally over what happened. In time, Jaemin will learn that Jeno will be fine. Right now, however, he doesn’t, so the nagging feeling at the back of his mind keeps protesting. Brushing his thumb over Jeno’s hand, Jaemin hums a tune, both to lull Jeno into sweet sleep and to calm his beating heart.

“Do you remember this song?” Jaemin glances down at Jeno, a smile playing on his lips.

Jeno scrunches his face adorably, glasses sliding down once more. “It’s the Poporo song. Don’t treat me like a kid.”

“You caught me.” Jaemin pushes Jeno’s glasses up again, teeth all on display as he flashes a cheeky grin. “Speaking of kids, remember the time we hid in the closet room to escape English lessons? We didn’t last for more than 10 minutes.”

Jeno laughs again, and it feels good to be the one to bring it out. “Yeah, you said you needed to pee and couldn’t hold it in anymore. What are you, a kindergartener? How can you not know you needed to pee before that?”

“Hey, hey! How was I supposed to know I had to go if I didn’t feel like it until then?”

Sharing stories from the past, they laugh and giggle about the precious days. Back when they were just Jaemin and Jeno, not trainees struggling to reach debut. It’s a soft feeling, being with Jeno. Like a warm fluffy blanket enveloping him, making him feel at ease even on the coldest nights. When Jaemin looks at Jeno, he hopes that he is reflected the same way Jeno is in his eyes.

He checks the time, then looks at Jeno, who only peers up at him sleepily. Clearing his throat, Jaemin steels his nerves and hopes his words won’t stumble out inappropriately.

“Wanna cuddle?”

Jeno scrunches his face in distaste. “Now?”

“...Maybe later?”

Jeno sits upright, nose getting even more scrunched. “You want us to sleep together?”

Red, hot heat fans Jaemin’s face, but he doesn’t let it stop him. “Don’t say it so weirdly like that! Just friendly cuddling… I heard it’s good for your... brain.”

Jeno only hums in response, but his eyes twinkle with a mischievous glint. 

Exasperated, Jaemin uses his last resort. “We used to share the same bed back then.”

Jeno starts cackling like a firecracker left uncontrolled. 

“Because you used to wet the bed so much that you had to climb into mine in the middle of the night!” Jeno finally laughs without restraint, “Oh my god, I can’t breathe.”

Jaemin makes a flat line with his lips, but he’s not really embarrassed by the memory. He wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. 

“So? You in?”

Jeno furrows his brows in contemplation, biting the pad of his thumb. It sparks hope for Jaemin though Jeno shatters it in an instant. 

“Nah, you’re too warm.”

Jaemin sighs in disappointment, acting out the part of a hurt friend. “You wound me.”

That night, Jaemin finds Jeno lying in his bed anyway, head resting against his chest as they curl in on each other. Though Jeno goes to sleep with tension evident on his face, his breathing evens out faster than the previous nights. Jaemin hopes he gets to sleep peacefully. The night sky is bright over Seoul’s sleepless city, but the room is just dim enough for the two of them.

***

Morning comes too fast and sudden for Jaemin. The sun’s angry glare pierces straight through his blinds, urging him to wake up. Jaemin reaches around for something, though he himself is unsure of what exactly he’s looking for. It isn’t till his eyes start to focus that he realises what he’s missing: Jeno. 

Where did he go?

The incessant nagging at the back of his head only confirms what he notices. If Jeno’s glasses are lying here, it usually means only one thing. He’s gone to the practice rooms. Jaemin heaves a sigh of frustration. It’s like nothing changed.

Of course, it’s silly to expect change to happen overnight but one can hope.

When Jaemin heads out of the room, he finds Mark and Donghyuck whispering heatedly again, reminding Jaemin of the night before. When they notice Jaemin walking in, Mark pulls away hurriedly, greeting him with a good morning, eyes shifty.

“Did you guys see Jeno?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and pushes a plate with two slices of toast towards Jaemin. “See? Told you so.”

Mark scratches behind his ear with a bashful smile. “Yeah, okay. So I overreacted. And, uh, no, we didn’t see Jeno.”

Jaemin sits down and grabs a piece of toast. It’s cold. “Thanks, but anyway, what were you guys discussing earlier?”

Donghyuck hops off the counter and takes the seat next to Mark. Jutting a thumb in Mark’s direction, Donghyuck proceeds to explain.

“This guy thought a burglar broke into our dorm last night, ‘cos he heard someone cry out in pain in the middle of the night.” He chews the remainder of his toast as he speaks, crumbs getting everywhere. “ _ I  _ told him that it was probably Jeno leaving for practice, and he must’ve hit himself in the dark or something, but he didn’t believe me.”

Mark burns in embarrassment as Donghyuck licks his fingers clean and grabs the second piece of toast off Jaemin’s plate. “And he insisted on making the second slice because he really believed Jeno was still inside.”

“Tch… really? It wasn’t a burglar?” 

Mark pushes himself up from the seat and walks over to Jaemin and Jeno’s shared room. He pops his head in, in disbelief, but is only disappointed when he sees the reality.

“Told you,” Donghyuck singsongs. “Can’t believe you’d rather have a burglar break in than have Jeno practise.”

Mark sighs in exasperation, clutching his head in his hands. They must have bickered over this since the moment they woke up. Popping the last bit of toast into his mouth, Jaemin grabs his stuff and heads for the practice room too. 

“Thanks for helping me clean, Mark-hyung!”

The look on Mark’s face is nothing short of bewilderment, but he takes it all in stride. Waving him off, the last thing Jaemin hears is Mark breaking down over his dongsaengs’ lack of respect for him, at which Donghyuck tries to muffle his snarky laughter. Jaemin can’t help but quirk his lips up in a grin. Some days, it really feels like the childlike innocence has never left them at all.

  
  


It’s a quick 10 minutes walk from the dorms to the main building. Staff from all over are bustling about with their daily morning routine, with managers stomping around in a hurry and a variety of other staff rushing between areas. A typical Monday morning. Jaemin stops by the cafe for a quick pick-me-up in the form of an Americano, pausing to decide whether he should buy one for Jeno too, but foregoing that thought when he spots Jeno in line. 

Jaemin bumps his shoulder against Jeno, pulling his face mask down to catch his attention. Jeno is startled off his phone, but quickly realises it’s just Jaemin. His eyes hide behind crescents when he sees what Jaemin is doing.

“Click! Selca time!” Jaemin announces brightly with his phone raised above. “I took a photo with a celebrity today, oh my!”

Jeno shoves him away playfully. “I’m not a celebrity.”

“Oh, but you are! Child CF star Lee Jeno, can I have your autograph…” 

Jeno laughs, but it’s a quiet laugh, unlike the sound of childlike laughter Jaemin heard all night long. Jaemin instinctively knows he’s made a mistake. He clears his throat hurriedly, hoping to salvage the situation.

“Um, anyway, how’d your practice go?”

Jeno squints at him. The confusion on his face is evident. “Eh? How did you know I was practising?”

Jaemin places his order after Jeno, and begins to explain the reasoning and deduction behind coming to that conclusion, a finger to his temple as if he were a detective in a drama. 

“You’re not wearing your glasses.” 

Jeno doesn’t budge. 

“And,” Jaemin added. He points towards the beads of sweat running down Jeno’s neck. “You’re sweating.”

Jeno blinks once, then twice. Then he scrunches his face in embarrassment. It’s cute, really cute. Jaemin can’t help but break out in a grin. “Ahhh… Okay.”

“Are you going back?”

Jeno bites the bottom of his lips, casting his eyes downwards as he speaks. “Yeah, I just wanna… perfect some things.”

“I’ll come with you. I could use some more practice.” 

Jeno furrows his brows a little, but agrees to let him come along anyway. “But you’re paying for my drink.”

“Sure.”

Sometimes, Jaemin thinks Jeno has too strong of a hold over him, especially when he abuses it without knowledge. Such people are dangerous, Jaemin thinks, but he pays for Jeno anyway.

  
  


It’s only just past 7.30am but the practice rooms are almost all occupied. It’s even more shocking because from what Jaemin has heard, there are no scheduled classes for the day. Jeno struggles to find a vacant room, but they eventually find one at the furthest end of the long corridor. Bumping the door open with his shoulder, Jeno beckons Jaemin in with a nod of his head. His hair is getting long.

They turn the lights on and Jaemin drops his stuff onto the floor. Just a couple of things, namely a bottle, his wallet and phone. Jeno does the same with his stuff next to him. They warm up for a while before diving headfirst into dance.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

It starts off with a track they’ve been practising for the group evaluations. Jeno moves fluidly, certainly much better than before. He’s not nervous, exuding confidence as he dances. Jaemin sees it in his eyes. 

Then, the excruciatingly familiar beat starts playing and Jaemin feels his heart take a drop. Jeno starts his routine off once more, head down and arms wide. His posture is more or less impeccable, his moves are polished, and timed perfectly to the beat, but it’s a scene Jaemin has seen before. Even after the evaluations, Jeno hasn’t loosened up. He remains as stiff as ever. Tensed.

Jaemin  _ needs _ to say it. It pains him to watch Jeno suffer like this. They say that the harshest critic is yourself, but Jeno’s critic knows no boundaries.

“Stop, stop.” He reaches for Jeno’s phone and the music pauses midway.

Jeno halts his movements, staring at Jaemin in puzzlement. “Why?”

“You’re too tense in your movements. Do you see it?”

Jeno folds his arms over his chest. He’s getting defensive, but Jaemin just wants to help. “Yeah. That’s why I’m here.”

“No, you’re not  _ seeing _ it.” Jaemin shakes his head. His eyes find Jeno’s, who only stares back blankly. “It’s not something you can overcome through practice, Jen. You’re stressed.”

Jeno’s face is unchanging at first. Jaemin begins to think he must not have heard him, but then Jeno starts to speak, words coming out slowly, as if he is tasting foreign syllables in his mouth.

“Stressed,” Jeno says pointedly. His mouth draws a flat line. “You think I’m stressed.”

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

Jeno points at himself, voice incredulous as he repeats. “You think  _ I’m  _ stressed.”

“Ye-”

“I am not stressed,” Jeno insists vehemently. He taps his foot impatiently, eyes narrowed challengingly.

Jaemin runs a hand through his hair, letting it fall back into his eyes in mild irritation. 

“I didn’t train by your side all these years for you to just brush my comment off. I  _ know _ you, Lee Jeno. You’re fucking stressed right now. Practising isn’t gonna make you move with less tension.”

Jaemin can practically feel the heat simmer on the top of Jeno’s head, but he refuses to back down. Jaemin knows he’s right. For the first time in their friendship, this may be the closest thing to a fight. It irks Jaemin so much, but Jeno just isn’t seeing it. Anyone with a pair of goddamn eyes can tell that Jeno is stressed from dancing. Hell, you’d only need one eye. Fuck.

Jaemin tries to school his expression. He doesn’t want to flare up at Jeno, but Jeno makes things  _ hard.  _ Always hard.

Jeno, too, attempts to take in deep breaths, but his efforts go down the drain when he catches sight of other trainees that have started to gather outside of the room. All the other rooms must have been fully occupied already, but seeing both Jeno and Jaemin’s dark faces must have held them back from entering. At least Jaemin can take comfort that the rooms are soundproof.

“Fuck you, Jaemin.You think you know me just because we trained with each other for the last 3 years? Fuck that, you don’t know me,” Jeno spits. 

Without a second glance, Jeno grabs his things and leaves. The words leave a bitter taste in his mouth, and the scene from the evaluations flash across his mind again, replaying the memory of Jeno running off without a word without his consent. Jaemin represses that memory, instead channelling his hate into what he heard come out of Jeno’s mouth not too long ago.

_ “You think you know me just because we trained with each other for the last 3 years?” _

_ “Fuck that, you don’t know me.” _

Adding salt to the wound, Jaemin’s time spent and memories created with Jeno all amounted to this one hurtful line. That he’s just a training buddy, nothing more. What the absolute fuck. What the fuck, Lee Jeno?

Jaemin thinks he tastes blood in his mouth, but he doesn’t bother to check, only wiping it off with the back of his hand. He simmers in silence, willing himself to calm down before letting others see him. He’d have at least that much decency and respect for others.

Unlike a certain someone. 

The trainees outside are getting restless and Jaemin doesn’t wish to stay here any longer either. Picking his things up, he leaves as fast as his heart allows.

  
  


When Jaemin reaches his dorm, he notices the room to their shared room is wide open, so he knows Jeno’s not back. Mark and Donghyuck  _ are _ around, however, much to his immense displeasure. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. After dropping his stuff onto his bed, he moves out to crash on the couch instead. He doesn’t even feel like being in the same space Jeno has used, though in some corner of his heart, he feels it prick a hole. Stupid heart.

Mark’s the first one to pick up something is wrong. 

“Hey, why’d you come back alone? Thought you were gonna practise with Jeno.”

Jaemin bristles, failing to school it in. His hurt, anger and sadness is bleeding out without any control. He only grunts in response.

At that, Donghyuck glances up from his game, eyes widening. “You guys fought, didn’t you.”

Jaemin smiles bitterly, fragile and fake. “Is it that obvious?”

“I mean, it’s just that you guys are, like, practically inseparable…” Mark trails off. The smile on his face is awkward, mirroring Jaemin’s own. 

Donghyuck turns to face Jaemin, attention half on his game and half on him. “Not to mention, there’s a rumour going around that you two got into a fistfight.”

“Yeah, and that.” Mark laughs nervously. “But since you’re not hurt, it means it wasn’t that bad right?”

Jaemin exhales through his nose harshly and scratches the back of his neck in irritation. Was it bad? Maybe. They did yell at each other for the first time in a long while. Maybe even in forever. But damn, if Jaemin doesn’t want to just shake some sense into Jeno. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “What are you, an idiot? Just because he’s not limping back with broken ribs and bruises doesn’t mean he’s not hurt. Mark-hyung, please use your head.”

Jaemin doesn’t have the energy or will inside of him to laugh at Donghyuck’s retort, because it really struck the truth. Lee Jeno makes things hard for him. Always hard. The laugh he lets loose is drenched in rancour, and his mind is addled by worry and other useless emotions, constantly bringing up thoughts from the past, thoughts from the night before. It plagues him like a disease, this feeling.

  
  
  


When night falls, it’s different. Jeno isn’t around. Jaemin is lying on his bed, flicking his thumb mindlessly as he scrolls through his phone. He reads the messages the hyungs have sent in the group chat, but it doesn’t really register in his head. They’re just words against a white background, with no real meaning or sense. He taps out of the group, eyes straying down to Jeno’s contact despite himself. The two hearts beside the ‘Acorn’ seem to call out to him.

No matter what he does, or where he goes, he always finds himself going back to the sweet summer days of the first time they met. When the air was filled with the scent of youth and the breeze carried the most of their carefree feelings. 

Jaemin closes his eyes, reliving the memories in his head. He recalls the time when they hid from the teachers during English lessons, or when Jeno hurt himself for the first time during a dance practice. He remembers the way Jeno held his tears back in front of the class, trying hard to act like a strong. 

Jaemin can’t help the chuckle that escapes his mouth. After the other kids left and it was just the two of them, Jaemin could hear the soft sniffles of Jeno’s crying. His head was down, small hands balled into fists, struggling to hold himself back from wailing. Jeno might try to deny it ever happening, but Jaemin remembers the next part as vivid as the day it happened. 

Grabbing Jeno’s small hands with his own equally small ones, Jaemin bent his head down to glance up at Jeno comfortingly. Jeno’s crying was ugly and wet with snot and tears. Not at all like the way they portray it in the movies. It was raw and real. 

Back then, Jaemin didn’t know the implication behind his actions. He had only one thought in mind—to comfort Jeno, his best friend. He had pressed his lips to the top of Jeno’s forehead, much like the way his own mother did for him. The kiss was short and chaste, but it planted a seed that was doomed to bloom. 

He tosses his phone and worries aside. It’s too much to take in, in one night. He only hopes it doesn’t last more than now.

Seoul is a city that never sleeps. Jaemin finds himself in much the same way, despite his tossing and turning all through the warm Seoul night.

***

Morning comes as all mornings do. His alarm is loud and rings in his ears long after he’s awoken, and the first Jaemin notices is the lack of a second presence in his room. It prickles at his side like a thorn, but Jaemin pays no heed to it. Jeno is old enough to take care of himself, he said so. If Jaemin hasn’t pushed him years ago, he isn’t going to push him now. Getting up from the bed, he heads out to wash up.

The practice room is where Jaemin finds himself again. It reminds him of the events that happened the day before, making his blood boil slightly but he keeps his cool in check. He’s mad for more than one reason, but he isn’t going to let it get the best of him. He glances at Jeno through the mirror, who also maintains a professional distance. They don’t talk.

The room is cold, but with the tension between Jaemin and Jeno, it’s enough to make them freeze. Jaemin, on the other hand, is burning.

The dance instructor monitors them as they dance in formation. It goes well enough, Jaemin thinks, until they are told to stop in the middle of the dance.

“Jeno, why are you so far away? You’re supposed to be right next to Jaemin. Again.”

Jeno mutters something under his breath, but follows as he is told. They continue, but the music stops almost just as quickly as it started.

“Jeno, you’re too stiff. Loosen up. It’s more like this,” the instructor demonstrates, “Rather than this.”

Twice now, Jeno has been called out. The scene bears a striking resemblance to the one they bore witness to just a day ago, making Jaemin slightly uneasy, like a bad premonition stirring in the pit of his stomach. Jeno bites on his bottom lip hard enough for it to blanch under his teeth, but it goes away just as fast. His arms strain with tension.

“Yes, teacher.”

The rest of the practice continues without a hitch, but Jaemin can sense the looks the others are giving them. Information, much to his displeasure, travels fast. 

  
  


Practice is over by lunchtime, and the other trainees shuffle out of the room in droves. They seem excited enough, but even the upbeat atmosphere of a break isn’t enough to salvage the situation in the room. Mark calls Jeno over, but Jeno politely declines when he makes eye contact with Jaemin, who is standing next to Mark. The two of them stare at each other for a moment, neither of them blinking or making a move, until Taeyong calls for Jeno. At which, Jeno follows after.

_ Since when has Taeyong been that close to Jeno?  _

Mark settles onto the floor next to Jaemin, handing him a bottle as he does so. Jaemin chugs it down in one go, though he doesn’t feel thirsty at all. They sit in silence for a while, but Jaemin knows what’s on Mark’s mind. Mark opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Donghyuck, who plops himself down next to Jaemin.

“Sheesh, today’s just not Jeno’s day.”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow at that. He doesn’t want to admit it, but if listening to Donghyuck is the only way to hear about Jeno, then so be it. 

Donghyuck smirks. He grabs the bottle from Jaemin’s hands, but his smile goes flat at the realisation that it’s empty. “What the-- never mind, you wanna hear about Jeno, don’t you?”

He doesn’t ask it like a question. It comes out more like a matter-of-fact statement. Donghyuck’s eyes glint mischievously under the bright lights. “But it’ll cost you—ouch!”

Mark smacks Donghyuck on the head, and starts reprimanding him for trying to sell information like that. Jaemin leans back as he watches the two go back and forth, yelling at each other like an old married couple. A heavy sigh escapes his lips.

Fortunately, Mark finally remembers why he’s here and pushes Donghyuck away, patting Jaemin’s thigh comfortingly. “What Donghyuck was saying is that Jeno got hurt this morning. Hit his shoulder or something. Nothing serious though, but that’s probably why he’s not in good condition this morning.”

They tread around the elephant in the room carefully, neither making the first move. 

Donghyuck eyes them both and snorts.

  
  
  


As if fate would have it, they bump into each other during lunchtime. Jaemin was in need of his second shot of caffeine and lo and behold, there was Jeno, standing in line. 

His posture is slouching and lazy, not at all like the rigid way he stood back in the practice room. Jeno rubs the spot over his shoulder seemingly in a mindless manner.

Jaemin ponders for a moment.

If Jaemin were to be completely honest, he admits that he can’t stay mad at Jeno for long. It’s not in his nature to hold grudges anyway, though some things do lodge themselves in his heart longer than he’d like. Regardless of what he thinks, Fate has other plans. 

The words tumble out of his mouth before he even registers them.

“I heard you got hurt.”

Jeno flinches in surprise, before turning his head and narrowing his eyes at Jaemin. “What’s it to you.”

“You’re hurt. You should be resting,” Jaemin states calmly. 

Jeno’s stubborn nature might be hard to overcome at times, but Jaemin knows the way to his heart. 

Jeno glares at him, mouth drawing a thin line. “I don’t need you to take care of me.”

Jaemin raises both his eyebrows. “And I didn’t say I will.”

Huffing, Jeno’s lips turn downwards into a petulant pout, though it seems that he doesn’t realise it himself. Jaemin resists the urge to pinch his cheek, struggling to remind himself of the reality of their situation. 

“Whatever,” comes Jeno’s answer, trying hard to seem nonchalant and unbothered. He taps his fingers against his elbow impatiently, but Jaemin knows he cares. He sees it in the way Jeno chews on his bottom lip when he’s overthinking things. 

_ Why must they hurt each other like this? _

Jeno’s order comes up, and Jaemin leaves it at that.

***

Some days, Jaemin thinks he might be starting to lose his sense because just the mere sight of Taeyong makes Jaemin’s blood boil. 

Lately, Taeyong has been sticking to Jeno like glue, inseparable at the hip. Whenever Jaemin sees them, they’re always laughing and teasing each other. Having fun. It hurts that it used to be Jaemin in Taeyong’s place. 

The emotions of his heart are at war, and Jaemin is but a foot soldier.

“Wow, keep it up and you might just start burning holes into Taeyong-hyung.”

Maybe Donghyuck thinks he’s being funny, Jaemin finds it anything but. Noticing his lack of response, Mark glances at him with worry, but he doesn’t say much else. The shoulder squeeze doesn’t help either. 

Jaemin runs his hand through his hair. His fringe keeps getting into his eyes, but he knows that’s not the real reason he feels aggravated.

An inkling of something bothers Jaemin, and it frustrates him because it’s a familiar feeling yet he can’t quite place his finger on it. 

“Since when have they been that close.” The words are out of his mouth before he even finishes the thought.

Dammit Jaemin.

Donghyuck smirks. Jaemin hates it.

“Your jealousy is showing, Jaemin.”

Jaemin might just strangle him, friend or not. It’s just that Jaemin’s been feeling on edge lately and he doesn’t even know why. 

Was this how Jeno felt?

This sense of uneasiness and desperation, it crawls into his heart as an uninvited guest. 

***

It’s a warm evening after a full day of practice when Mark and Donghyuck confront Jaemin. Dumping a bag of juice onto the table, Donghyuck attempts to get Jaemin’s attention by snapping his fingers in front of his face, as if his loud voice isn’t enough.

Jaemin pulls his earphones out in annoyance, only briefly glancing at him before setting his phone down. 

“What’s with the juice?” Jaemin eyes them both with suspicion. There’s no way the two of them decided to buy drinks back with no ulterior motive.

Donghyuck smiles innocently, pulling the chair next to Jaemin over to sit. He cracks one open and slides it across the table. “Just felt like drinking.”

Mark takes the seat next to Donghyuck, and now it feels like a 2v1, with Jaemin destined to lose. The battle has already been predetermined. He’ll be a fool to ignore it. 

Jaemin scratches the back of his neck, the itch more ferocious than ever. “Out with it.”

Both Mark and Donghyuck give each other a look before saying anything. 

Donghyuck makes a motion with his eye and Mark jerks forward. He leans in, eyes so wide and sincere that it makes Jaemin feel slightly less wary about their intentions.

Marks starts off first. “About your fight with Jeno…”

Right. Jaemin thinks about it in his sleep enough, and now he can’t even escape it in his waking moments. He feigns nonchalance, leaning back on his chair. “What about it?”

“Well, we really didn’t plan on interfering…”

“But it’s been going on for so long that it’s driving everyone crazy!” Donghyuck interjects, pointing an accusatory finger straight at Jaemin. Like it’s his fault.

Jaemin takes a deep breath and tries to centre himself… something Jeno has taught him.

Fuck. He really can’t escape.

The words that come out of his mouth are full of bullshit. He knows, and probably so do Mark and Donghyuck.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

This time, Mark is the one to get mad. He presses his hands together until they turn white. “Listen, Jaemin. We’re not here to preach to you or anything like that. We just want to help you through this.”

Mark takes a moment to collect himself before continuing, “We’re friends, aren’t we? We can talk about it, if you’d like to.”

_ Friends _ . 

The trainees’ world is so cruel and tiring, and often more lonely than anything else, that Jaemin forgets what they are at times. That he has friends by his side, and people that he cherish so near him. His eyes prickle with emotions.

It’s true that in this field of work, many end up sacrificing so much of their time, their efforts and even their loved ones. But when Jaemin looks at it a little closer, when he flips the box over and examines the fine prints, he begins to understand that it doesn’t have to be that way.

All that time, that effort, he may never be able to get it back, but Jaemin can always make more time, and forge new memories with the people he cares about.

And his loved ones? A bittersweet smile slips through his hold. 

They’re already here. Always.

The period of silence seems to stretch into an eternity in the room. Donghyuck passes a tissue over silently, gently patting Jaemin’s arm as he does so.

“Hey, whatever happened between you two will get better. I promise.”

Donghyuck’s eyes are warm for once, and his voice is softer than Jaemin can recall. “Give Jeno some time to sort things out. Your friendship isn’t going to break over a petty fight.”

Jaemin’s heart feels full hearing their words, so he feels especially upset with himself when Donghyuck’s last line made him feel a little… conflicted, for a lack of a better word.

Friendship, Donghyuck says. 

But Jaemin thirsts for more. 

***

A day passes, then it turns into a week, and maybe even a couple more. Jaemin can’t tell the difference anymore. Jeno doesn’t come back, he doesn’t sleep in their room, doesn’t talk to Mark or Donghyuck, doesn’t even step anywhere near Jaemin’s vicinity if he can afford to. 

It frustrates him to no end, being unable to see Jeno, let alone talk to him. The absence is harder to deal with than he’d thought. It isn’t just about the empty space by his bed, it isn’t even about the laughter so full of mirth that echoes through his head even when he’s not there. 

Jaemin is starting to sound delusional, but he really misses Jeno.

The sight of his contact lighting up the screen of Jaemin’s phone, the sound of his voice when he talks about his hard times, even the scent of his body wash that seems to fill the room when he’s around. Jaemin misses it all so much. Now, the room is merely a shadow of its former self, empty and scentless. 

These feelings he has for Jeno, whatever they are... It’s not something he talks about or even thinks about often. If Jaemin could, he’d push it all to the back of his mind, douse it with oil and burn it all with a matchstick. 

Unfortunately for him, this space between them has given him plenty of time to think about it. 

Jaemin has known Jeno since they were just kids, just barely old enough to live apart from their parents, alone. It’s not easy living life this way, with a future so uncertain, with no one by their side for them to lean on. But to Jaemin, Jeno had made his way quicker into his heart than everyone else. He was always so thoughtful, so kind, funny when he doesn’t mean to be, and best of all, he always took things in stride, both the good and the bad.

Jaemin wants to give Jeno the world, but Jeno  _ is  _ his world. 

He doesn’t want to ruin it all with one wrong move. 

The society they live in is conservative, but times are changing, and it’s an optimistic start. These days, Jaemin worries less about what others will think of him, and more about what Jeno’s feelings.

He didn’t push Jeno then, he doesn’t want to push him now. He’ll wait for him.

***

It’s a lonesome Friday night when Donghyuck approaches Jaemin. Mark is busy with his own schedule, so in hindsight, it was the opportune time for Donghyuck to pounce on his prey. Not that Jaemin would know, Donghyuck has always been on the unpredictable side. More often than not, he finds that it’s a bad thing.

It starts off slowly at first. Jaemin is watching an old video on his bed when Donghyuck enters the room, closing the door behind him. He plops down onto Jeno’s bed, swinging his legs mindlessly as he stares Jaemin down. Well, that’s very inconspicuous of him. Other than gaming, Donghyuck would rather stay in his side of the dorm than cross into ‘lovebird’ territory. 

_ Lovebird. _

The word invokes a bittersweet sensation in Jaemin. He knows Jeno will never be more than just a friend, and that their friends are merely joking when they say they act like a couple in the honeymoon phase. But one can dream, even if it’s for a fleeting moment in time, Jaemin reassures himself. 

A good five minutes pass before Jaemin even considers acknowledging Donghyuck’s presence. By then, Donghyuck is already making a discordance of noises to draw attention to himself, whether it’s through sighing, fake coughing or hitting the side of Jaemin’s bed with his feet. 

Setting his phone aside, Jaemin finally glances at Donghyuck in acknowledgement, prompting him to speak his mind. 

“You like Jeno, don’t you?”

Jaemin’s face remains blank, but his hands are starting to feel clammy.

“Of course. He’s my friend.”

Donghyuck looks so serious that it makes Jaemin start to think about it, to understand the depth of the situation he has found himself in. It’s not that Jaemin has never seen that kind of look on his face before, it’s just that this side of Donghyuck rarely comes out unless things are bad. 

And yeah, Jaemin thinks, he’s starting to grasp the gravity of it all. 

Just, why did it have to take him so long?

While Jaemin laments, lost in his own rumination, Donghyuck gives him that all-knowing look. 

“Then go get him.” 

Jaemin looks up in question. How? Then Donghyuck purses his lips and points down to Jaemin’s phone, muttering something about how he’s not very observant.

The notification he sees snaps him out of his confusion.

Donghyuck hops off Jeno’s bed and heads towards the door. It's as if his job is done. Placing one hand on the door handle, Donghyuck stops for a moment before leaving his last words.

_ Just for how long more are you going to wallow in your worries and feeling pathetic? _

“I trust you, Jaemin, now bring him back.”

***

When Jaemin gets to Taeyong’s dorm, the first thing he sees is Taeyong himself, standing outside the door, as if he’s been waiting for him.

“What took you so long?”

Maybe he has been.

Jaemin bristles defensively. “I forgot where your room was.”

But Jaemin knows what Taeyong really means, it just sucks to have to hear it from him.

Taeyong tilts his head in consideration, face expressionless. It’s too hard to tell. 

“I’ll let you know first that he’s not here.”

Jaemin purses his lips in annoyance. What the hell was Donghyuck thinking? “Then why am I talking to you?”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything for a while. He just stares at Jaemin, like he’s assessing him. Cool eyes staring straight into his soul. It makes him feel vulnerable, and Jaemin hates it.

Then it drops.

“What is Jeno to you, Jaemin?” 

The stretch of the silence seems to drag on, with Jaemin looking at Taeyong, and Taeyong looking right back at him. Jaemin knows the answer, and if Taeyong is acting like this, Jaemin thinks he knows it as well.

_ “No matter what happens, whether it’s a high or a low, we go through it all together, as a team.” _

Oh.

The irony doesn’t escape him. Though Jaemin was the one present to hear it, Jeno was the one to have put it to good use.

Taking a deep breath, Jaemin prepares himself. He might have tried to run away then, but now, Jaemin thinks this is the reason why they’ve ended up in this mess in the first place. 

“Jeno is…”

***

_ Every heart sings a song, incomplete until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing will always find a song. _

Jaemin doesn’t remember falling asleep, he recalls only of the dream. Jeno smiled at him adorably, his face scrunched up as he laughed without restraint. In his dream, they were younger and more carefree, because there were no expectations, no fear, just simple bliss. 

But simplicity is the fool’s greatest weakness, and like fools, they danced around the matter, both refusing to even broach the subject. 

Oblivious to the new beginning that has begun, Jaemin sleeps on in ignorant bliss.

_ The fruition of a blooming love. _

When Jaemin wakes up, the room is shrouded in darkness, with only the light of the moon hanging overhead, casting shadows in the dark. The night plays a serene melody with the rustle of the tree leaves, singing a song that only Jaemin can hear. 

Opening the door, he catches a glimpse of a hooded figure lying on the couch, tossing and turning.

Jeno. There’s no other person it can be.

Sweet, sweet, Jeno. Always complicating the matters of his heart beyond his control, always making things hard. Always.

The way Jaemin leans over Jeno casts shadows over the features of his face. The only light streams in from the window as the curtains dance in the lucid flow of air. And Jaemin hears the melodious tune once more, strumming a chord in the chambers of his heart. 

Brushing aside the long strands of hair getting into Jeno’s eyes, Jaemin hums along. His hands seem to move on their own accord, reaching over to smooth down Jeno’s tousled hair, as if to lull him into deeper slumber. Jeno’s forehead scrunches up momentarily, but the wrinkles smoothen out just as quickly as he turns to face Jaemin, even in his sleep.

Jaemin’s heart palpitates without his consent. The rhythm of the night seems to speed up.

Settling onto the floor, Jaemin watches Jeno sleep. He bathes in the cool moonlight, radiant and dazzling. His breaths are calm and even, drawing in and out at a languid pace. It’s the most tranquil Jaemin has ever seen Jeno since the evaluations, though that’s not saying much, seeing as Jeno had been avoiding him up till this point.

And speaking of which, Jaemin wonders what made Jeno come back?

Telepathy with Donghyuck? Jaemin chuckles a little, trying not to wake Jeno up. Donghyuck is too observant, Jaemin thinks. He probably realised Jaemin’s feelings long before Jaemin even knew it had a name.

“Jaeminie…”

This time, it’s Jaemin’s turn to be startled. He wills his heart to stay calm, but it beats out of his control. May the divines above help him, he prays. 

Jeno glances up at him through sleepy eyes, blinking blearily. His voice is rough with sleep, and he rubs his eyes with his fingers, letting the oversized sweater engulf him entirely. It’s cute, adorable, and Jaemin doesn’t know what to do. He pinches his own thigh, hoping it’s not a dream.

The nights before were always slow and arduous, a long drawn battle between his body and mind as he lay in his bed. But this moment is different. With Jeno here, it’s the eternity that Jaemin has always been waiting for.

_ A blooming flower, it comes bearing fruit. _

Jeno sits up slowly, a yawn bubbling in his chest as he pats the space next to him like an excited yet sleepy little kid. The smile that slips through his hold is soft and warm. Jaemin obliges, and settles down next to Jeno.

The mellifluous tune returns once more, a melody that comes from deep within. 

Jaemin’s impulse is uncontained and ungovernable. 

The hand that traces the outline of Jeno’s face moves on its own accord yet again, following every line and curve of his features, coming to rest at the bottom of his face where his thumb lies under Jeno’s lips.

If Jaemin was unsure of Jeno’s state of awakeness, he sure isn’t now. Jeno’s eyes are open and alert, and his gaze is soft and if Jaemin dares hope, even…  _ loving.  _ They mirror each other without meaning to. The puzzle piece that wasn’t missing, just hidden.

The silence stretches on, but it’s peaceful and undisturbed. The only sound Jaemin hears is his own heartbeat, and the song that plays with it. For a while, that’s all they do. Staring into each other eyes, the window to their souls. 

The epiphany of what they are to each other.

The unspoken words ring through his head, an accompaniment to what his heart has already known.

Jaemin’s thumb grazes the bottom of Jeno’s lip. 

“I love you, Lee Jeno. You idiot.”

Jeno’s eyes crinkle, lips spreading into a small smile. 

It’s soft. 

Everything is soft. 

The ambience of the night-cloaked room, the warmth of the distance between them. The feeling of Jeno’s lips on his, surprising and unexpected.

It’s  _ soft. _

“I’m sorry.”

Jeno’s voice is small. He’s quiet in a way never like before. It’s raw and it’s beautiful.

Jaemin places both his hands on the side of Jeno’s face, cupping it in his hold. Jeno makes things hard, always hard. But Jaemin is finally confident enough to make things  _ right.  _

His own voice is small too, but his words and meaning ring loud and clear.

“Welcome home, Jen.”

***

When Jaemin wakes up, it’s to the sound of hushed whispers and the occasional loud yelping. He frowns in displeasure, willing it to disappear but is rudely pushed to awaking by a high and whiny voice.

“Get up lovebirds, we’re going out!”

“Oh, come on… don’t disturb them, they look so happy!” 

Jaemin stirs from his position, feeling a crank in his neck. And it’s only then does he realise, eyes wide in disbelief, that he had fallen asleep on the couch with Jeno in his arms. The heat in his face spreads exponentially when Jeno murmurs something in his half-alert state. 

Mark is even more flustered than Jaemin is, prompting him to rush them up. “O-okay…! That’s enough. Time to snap back to reality, you two.”

“Rise and shine, bitches, welcome to the real world.” Donghyuck grabs a spoonful of cereal and shoves it in his mouth. 

***

_ No matter how much I say I love you, I always love you more than that. _

Jaemin doesn’t understand why they have to go out for lunch. Donghyuck keeps making noises and talking about everything under the sun, except for the reason, and Mark only evades the question. Jeno, on the other hand, merely smiles and plays along.

It reminds Jaemin that they still need to have a talk about the night before, about what happened. It’s so strange that he feels like he’s found closure when they have left things so open-ended. Like nothing has changed, but simultaneously, everything has. 

But Jaemin thinks he knows why, when Jeno smiles at him like he always has, and Jaemin smiles back the same way, soft, warm and full of...

_ I love you. _

When they arrive, Jaemin realises it’s the same  _ gopchang _ restaurant they went to the night he had accompanied the hyungs to celebrate. Food is already on the table, with the hyungs all seated too, chattering about everything and anything as they while the time away. Jaemin moves to take the window seat, but Donghyuck pushes him to sit right in the centre, dragging Jeno to sit next to him.

Jaemin glances at Jeno in confusion, but Jeno only tilts his head and smiles back.

Silence falls over the table in hushes when Taeyong stands up from his seat and clears his throat. It’s reminiscent of the night from before, only this time, Taeyong isn’t holding a piece of paper. The look he gives Jaemin is knowing, though for what, Jaemin only has the barest of inkling. 

“Thank you all for coming today, I know it’s a Saturday and you guys would rather stay at home and laze around,” the line prompts laughter from the group, and Taeyong has to tame his smile in, “But it’s for a special reason that we’ve gathered today. If you could, Jeno.”

Jaemin’s eyes are opened wide in bewilderment. Jeno knew and didn’t say a thing. He pinches Jeno’s thigh, making him smile till his eyes turn into crescents. This time, it’s Jeno who pulls out a piece of paper, and Jaemin feels this bittersweet feeling in his chest. The table erupts in hoots and cheers, with Donghyuck being the loudest of them all. 

“I didn’t even see Jeno write a thing back in the dorms,” Mark mutters.

“But I did!” Doyoung is unusually excited. Jaemin thinks he’s probably even happier than the first time Jeno hugged him back.

Jeno starts off sitting at first, but Taeyong gestures at him to stand up, so he does, although abashedly. The table goes loud with cheers again, and this time Donghyuck has the decency to at least look embarrassed when passers-by and other customers start staring.

Jeno unfolds the paper. His voice is soft yet loud, piercing straight through Jaemin’s soul. 

“Jaemin-ah, thank you for being born. You’re always there for me during the good and bad times, sometimes I’m surprised you haven’t run off yet.” Jeno’s eyes crinkle in delight when the hyungs laugh with him. Jaemin can only stare, unable to tear his eyes away. He’s mesmerised. “Even though I was born a few months before you, sometimes it feels like you’re more mature, and I’m grateful for that. Happy birthday, Jaemin-ah.”

Oh.

_ Oh. _

It slipped his mind completely. He’s been so stuck in his head, full of worry for the past few weeks that he had discarded all other thoughts. 

Jeno sits down, and the hyungs clap in celebration. Johnny pats his back while Doyoung pulls Jeno into his arms, hugging him tight enough to make him wince.

“He can’t breathe, hyung, and he’s not even the birthday boy. How about hugging me instead?” Donghyuck points at himself, causing the others to fall into laughter. 

Doyoung shoves Donghyuck away playfully, saying Jeno needs all the love he can get and that  _ it’s not Donghyuck’s birthday either _ . Quietly, Taeyong slips Jaemin a small piece of paper. 

  
  


Jaemin thinks he knows what it is. Everything feels a little clearer now. Maybe in hindsight, Jaemin should have known it too. He takes the piece of paper and places it in his pocket. He won’t forget about it.

A small cake is pushed in front of Jaemin, the candles already lit and melting. But it’s the thought that counts.

“Jaemin, quick, make a wish!” 

For a moment, it feels like time has stopped still. Everything that Jaemin has ever wanted is with him in this room, right now. It seems almost wrong to ask for more. Jaemin thinks he might be being greedy, because his whole world is already Jeno, and though it’s not yet complete, time will help them through.

The wish Jaemin makes is simple. He wishes it not just for himself, but for everyone he loves. Everyone at this table.

It’s a secret, so he won’t say it aloud.

In the distance, he hears Doyoung panicking, rushing him to blow the candles out before it melts. So Jaemin does, wishing as hard as he can. 

The hyungs all cheer in excitement, chanting Jaemin’s name affectionately as they congratulate him on his birthday. Mark ruffles his head, giving him a wide grin. Johnny and Jaehyun are arguing over who should give the final speech, but Taeyong clears his throat and they both back down sheepishly. He raises his cup in the air, reminding Jaemin of the way Johnny did the first time as well, and takes the lead.

Taeyong’s smile is broad, in stark contrast to his indifferent attitude of the day before. 

“Congratulations to the birthday boy!”

The rest follow suit, raising their cups of tea, coffee and other assortments of drinks, all cheering loudly for Jaemin. It’s hard to hold back his excitement and joy, so he doesn’t, finally letting the huge smile that breaks across his face go.

For the first time, Jaemin starts to understand what it all means.

In the midst of the chaos, under the cover of the table, Jaemin’s hand finds Jeno’s. 

“It’s cold” is his excuse.

Jeno smiles back, face scrunched in uninhibited joy. It’s a childlike and unadulterated happiness. Jaemin knows because Jeno’s eyes crinkle at the sides as he tilts his head teasingly. They mirror each other perfectly. 

This time, Jeno squeezes his hand back.

“Liar.”

***

Jaemin is nervous. His heart thumps erratically in his chest, so loud that he can hear it in his ears. Beside him, Jeno looks just as nervous as well, if not more. The adrenaline that gushes through his system gives the strength to stand still, however, and to keep his breathing in check.

From above, the screams are undeniably loud. Jaemin’s blood sings along with each and every one of them. He chews on his bottom lip, trying to calm his heart down. It’s not easy, but Jeno is there and he reaches out for Jaemin’s hand and squeezes it with enough affection to ground him once more.

It’ll be fine.

It’s just that—this is something that he, and everyone else, has always dreamed of happening. His hyungs had gone ahead first, and now it’s their turn.

It’s exhilarating and liberating. Jaemin can hardly breathe.

It’s almost time. 

Mark sends them the signal, and they get into formation, standing as still as possible. From across, Jeno gives him a big goofy smile. His nose scrunch is even more adorable today. 

Jaemin just wants to kiss him.

With the whirr of the machines going on in the background as their cue, Donghyuck sends them all one last encouraging thumbs up. 

It’s going to be alright.

The feverish screams are amplified a thousand times more when the platform they’re on begins to elevate them. The lights are bright, even glaring, from overhead, but Jaemin doesn’t mind.

The members’ grasps on each other tighten in anticipation.

The lights shut off, and only the spotlight remains. In a big and bold font, the eight letters are flashed on the screen behind them. A precious name that will be remembered for the years to come, though they won’t know it yet. 

For once, the future doesn’t seem so uncertain.

“To the world, here is NCT! Hello, we’re NCT DREAM!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> If you're interested in poetry or non-fandom writing, check out my [wordpress!](https://ariestime.wordpress.com/)


End file.
